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apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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