theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
