Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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