my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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