Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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