Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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