On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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