Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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