I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
