I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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