"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
