in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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