Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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