Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
