i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
