Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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