I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
