Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
