it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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