pedialite and red bull = repair kit
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
