how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
