i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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