there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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