Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
