that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
