I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
