Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
