Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
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I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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