the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You are the jesus of drinking
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
