Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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