new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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