I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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