drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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