I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize