shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
