when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
