I must be too annoying 4 u.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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