Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
