were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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