I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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