my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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