Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
