dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
