I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
