between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
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when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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