I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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