my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize