I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
