The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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