Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
