Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
