I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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