You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
