Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
