I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
tonight lets celebrate not being married
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
